Amy’s “best-of” dreams from 1998

January 1

I experience the evolution of the universe firsthand as someone narrates. I soar through clouds of cosmic dust into the milky way which is incredibly beautiful. I watch earth’s evolution up to the beginning of life which was when sunshine first came through the clouds and mixed with water.

January 2

Some very interesting dinosaur bones have been discovered. They are very well-preserved bodies taken from the stomach of a creature that ate them. A scientist tells us excitedly about the find, about how it could tell us so much about culture. As if to emphasize this, a small gong sounds.

February 4

It was random as a piece of dirt called “art.”

February 7

Lois and I don’t know the full extent of Superman’s power. We don’t know that he can fly. He takes hold of both of us and we fall off a ledge into space. We’re really scared at first because it seems like we’re falling, and we are, because Superman has to relax somewhere inside himself to really fly. When he does his body becomes blue and green as if his body has the forms of the land and water on the earth. This is against the background of black space. It’s beautiful. Superman isn’t poised and rigid. He’s relaxed. We look down at the earth, which is amazing.

February 22

Me and Maya get a nice turtle and take it home. It’s for my room. We take precautions against allowing germs into its container during transit. It’s very comfortable and explores a lot in its new home which is my room. A guy brings me to a place in San Francisco that’s in the high hills. My vision blurs, but I continue to follow him. Someone screams at me to avoid stepping onto the subway tracks, and then someone is killed on them. This has been happening a lot. The turtle, growing out of his shell, becomes a beautiful blond boy.

February 25

It is announced that the war has started and they’re going to begin bombing us. I’m in the guest room of my parents’ house. I think of how it’s finally come after all this time, and about how dreams told me it would. The bombs form incredible and beautiful patterns in the clouds. Are the bombs clouds?

February 27 (1)

I’m comfortable telling a large group of people about where I am in life. There are women who are really into me and want to dive into me head first, actually trying to kiss me, being a certain way women are when they blindly enter romantic love, projecting. I keep my distance.

I’m out in nature studying it so I can write a paper on evolution. One thing I’ll write about is a plant organism with a rough surface and a tender bottom. When flies land on it it vibrates and emits a high-pitch which makes the flies leave. I’m reminded to write about things that were steps in our evolution and not things that branched off. Suddenly I realize the sun will be gone soon and I have hustle out of nature before dark, and I have to pick up my glasses where I left them, too, which I do. In the middle of nature there’s actually a streetlight so I can see.

February 27 (2)

We see modern Christians doing their version of church. There’s music and loose, imprecise choreographed dancing that allows the dancers a tiny window for individual expression. There’s sexual innuendo in the personalized movements and in the atmosphere. People are actually touching each other in innocuous places, which is flirtatious. They feel that they are liberated from the church of the past. People are dressed stylishly conservatively, and a little too blandly. The song is concluding in a really predictable mediocre white middle class blues way which I spontaneously mimic going through the end of song blues run we’ve all heard 70 million times. Like those black people had a soulful idea so let’s find it recreate that thing called soul since we don’t have any. When the song is finished I rant about how much it sucked. I say, “Only people who don’t live near water could make music like that.”

February 28

I crossdress really nonchalantly and riskily with people nearby. Some of the clothes are my mother’s. I have to put these back. Tena has Electra give her some tears so that she can sew them into some clothes she’s making for her.

March 3 (1)

Me and this guy try to kill each other for a long time, but we stop when our common enemy becomes this enormous whale. We manage to get to a small island and from there we manage to blow up the whale with a bomb. The whale is dead and we are relieved, but the shock of the bomb has created big waves that heave across our island and they don’t subside, but grow stronger. The blown up whale becomes the waves and doesn’t want to kill us, it wants to become us. I am still afraid, but I am much more accepting. The whale swallows or becomes the island and us along with it. I feel its black warm soft mass taking me.

The happiest, most cohesive and spiritually aligned group of people in the world is a group in northern China who are known for their unusually round eyes. I watch them examining each other’s eyes.

March 3 (2)

I’m in a square with a bunch of friends. I get tired of what everyone is saying so I decide to fly. Instead of jumping and pumping to lift off like I usually do, I bend forward so that my head is close to the ground and I lift my feet up and float up easily. Everyone is watching me saying how beautiful it is to see my flight. Really beautiful classical music is playing. I want to go high and to help myself go up I take off my shirt and pump it using it as a wing.

March 9

At a party I act like a nerdy goof making too many jokes. One of the jokes involves me holding a hay’s breast fat when he’s trying to flex it into muscle. I compare his clothes to something a dog would wear. I compare his clothes to something a dog would wear.

March 10

Modern jokes like “Two pairs of brain” more dilate the mind than tickle the funny bone.

March 11

I’m playing basketball. It’s a next point wins situation. I’ve got the ball and am feeling really aggressive, but for some reason everyone suddenly loses interest and leaves, except for an Asian guy on their team. He says that my name translated from his language to mine is violence, but in his language my name has no sound, i.e., it is silence. Silence and violence are brothers.

March 12

A swarm of enormous killer bees is coming to America. This should bee interesting.

March 16

I have been battling against a woman and a man for a really long time, constantly scheming and jockeying for position. Each of us wants to rule the world. I claim what’s left of my things, which is not much and includes the dream book, and leave the house and these battles to the sound of their violent threats that they’ll be after me. My act represents a shift in power though they still seem very capable of claiming power. I am walking home across a bridge that’s wide and empty. The weather has been severe and seems like it will continue to be, but when I am on the bridge the sun breaks through the clouds very beautifully. All the mistiness and fog and wateriness of the world is illuminated with light. My only plans are to go home, shower and meditate.

March 18 (1)

I am back in my sacred place in nature. I know this place well, but I haven’t here in a long time. Its colors have changed a bit, but its forms remain the same. It’s a clearing. The ground is stony. Rivulets flow through it. My body feels very loose. As I go I think of how Derek told me sometimes he gets distracted by all the conspiracy theories, but understands that as natural to people who are young and less wise. I think it must be even simpler than that: that the only conspiracy is the conspiracy against love, and this can be reduced to each individual’s rejection or acceptance of love. There are a few structures around the area. One is a shelter in which one of my socks is. I go to get it. I think of giving it to charity. I think, “What good will one sock do?” I’ll give the other, which I am wearing, as well. I’m filled with love. This place is refuge.

March 18 (2)

I’m playing 21 with some guys. If I make this foul shot I’ll win the game. I deliver a high arching shot that everyone anticipates to be accurate, but it hits the top of the backboard and bounces up into low-hanging fog and never comes out.

March 21

The businessman spent ten years trying to type “Friday” and do something else at the same time.

March 22

A group of women is very supportive and loving toward each other. They are dedicated to raising their babies, both adopted and not. One of the women is Shari. I go to a meeting along a tricky route. When I get there lots of people are sitting around a big round table. Our task is to work things out alternatively using discussion and meditation. My section is trying to meditate, but gets distracted by another section. I throw into the discussion a joke about how Zsolt has sex with lots of people, which seems like something I should hold my tongue about in the future, since it’s kind of my bad habit of talking shit about people, but then Dora says she’s the bad one because she’s seeing a drunk who’s not Zsolt.

March 23

Post-modern terrorists ask me to help them brainwash humanity by helping them attack its funnybone.

March 24

I ask to be spoken to about the meaning of a dream I can’t remember. I’m told that the meaning is that everyone is looking outside themselves for a name so that they can tell the world they are one thing or another, thus fusing their identity to something solid and agreed on by everyone as perceivable. The great teacher of the dream found his own name. His philosophy and practises resemble those of a certain obscure religious sect, but really, as he is, as everyone ultimately is, totally unique and naked in the world. Religion is relative to him. There is no need for him to alter himself artificially for the sake of religion

March 25

Me and some people climb up high on a hill in twilight. The earth is rich and damp. We find Hitler’s grave. His headstone has no markings on it. It’s blank. I take it.

March 26

Me and Derek spend a pretty long time at a house. He shows me different things. It’s time to go. He says first let’s do one more thing. He tells me to close my eyes and he’ll lead me through a special wing of the house. I close my eyes and my vision doesn’t leave me. I can still see it all. In fact, the only reason why I know my eyes are closed is I can feel that they are. We go down halls of beautiful paintings and into a room where there’s lots of video games. I open my eyes. We go to the pinball machine. Of course, Derek would play pinball and not a video game. He starts it up for me. The machine puts all the balls into play at the same time and it’s hard because the flipper doesn’t work so well unless the ball is near it. In my eyes the light is crazily refracted so that I have triple vision, and Derek’s lying across the machine. Luckily, there’s no tilt. All this makes it difficult. I lose pretty quickly. I say that I want to play war and time.

March 28 the Living Dream

I woke up from a dream. The knots of blocked energy were twisted tight inside my body, tight in my hatred, in I feel hated, in my fear. I was twitching, my heart was racing and my chest clenched up. Derek, asleep beside me, took hold of my arm and shook his finger at me in a scolding mother way and musically said, “No no no no no. No no no no no.” I went to the door in my heart that is closed shut on the Love beyond Name and I called it and it swept over me with a sweetness so concentrated it was like white fire. It was indescribably pure. It’s a texture I can only feel with my soul naked. I can’t explain it because it’s beyond language and ego clouds it. Against the purity I was aware of the sickness my stomach holds that needs to be unsickened. It was the Nameless force that came through me into Maya when she was attacked in her sleep and that touched me last summer when I asked, “What if I let this go?” Then I went back to sleep and the dark force was in me again and Derek this time, in his sleep again, laid his whole body across my stomach, my pinball machine which I don’t know how to play and am seeing triple vision with, etc. I called beyond the door again and it came again, but not as strong this time. It was more restful. It gave me a vision where I was to be a stone in a field before time began, before animals had to eat each other, where there was green grass everywhere and a cloudbank went from the ground way way up into the sky. This vision was called The Eternal Monologue, as opposed to my internal monologue which inevitably led me to the knots in my being. After this, if my thoughts ever slipped a bit Derek would rock and coo.

March 31 Santa Cruz

I’m laying down holding Derek. We’re naked. His loin feels like a girl’s, like Maya’s. It’s both him and Maya in one person and we spoon and cuddle like children in the dark room. I feel the imprint of Adam and Eve.

April 1 Mike’s

God is definitely a blue flower.

April 3 in the Living Dream

The Holy Spirit discusses the meaning of life with me. I have the choice of whether to assign life value. I choose not to because life is priceless, irrelevant to the human concept of value, but the other sense of being infinitely valuable. So valuable that it’s beyond human understanding. The answer fills me with energy and intense joy. I approach Holy Love.

April 3

A group of wild men driving in a red jeep with alcohol and cigarettes all point to a church as they go by it and say, “That is Victory. It is from London, England.”

April 5 in the Living Dream

Angelic presence. Gentleness I can feel only with total ego passivity. Infant softness radiating. Blessed.

April 5

I’m waiting for a table in a restaurant. A little girl goes around telling people, “God accepts you as you are.”

April 7

I’m sitting down at a table writing. A bear leaps up right next to me from behind, nuzzling me, and takes my food. Crazy, friendly bear.

April 11 in the Living Dream

I woke up with eternity all around me, God waiting for me to bring myself into itself, just on the other side of my fear, way beyond the relevance of my emotions, the everlasting silence of God against which time is a meaningless blip. I fought surrendering to it because it felt so much like death, but I must learn not to fight this to allow God to work through me more clearly.

April 13 (1)

Derek and I are in a house with lots of demons in it. They are scrambling my thoughts. I’m on my back with the Bible on my stomach. A demon slams into me. I say, “Do you think they’re messing with me?” he says, “Yes.” He puts his hand on my forehead and gives a command for them to leave in the name of Jesus Christ and the Self. He does this twice. He tells me to breathe deep. I take an incredibly deep breath which goes on and on. He laughs at me in my vulnerability and says, “Man, we’re such infants.” I am so close to the Spirit. I just need to feel the safety to let go of my “false” self.

April 13 (2)

Goodness versus freedom is a false dichotomy. They don’t contradict each other. It’s not a boxing match between these two. We seek goodness, but God offers freedom, which is freedom from goodness. It is free at lastness. It is freedom from the illusions that language creates through the cultural filter.

April 13 (3)

Me and a woman are trying to escape a society that is trying to enslave us. We flee and spend a long time underwater. When we come up for air we’re in a new place, but they’re after us again. She takes a shotgun blast in the chest and we go under again. Now, I must really take control since she’s injured. We follow the base of an island from the bottom of the sea up to the land and air. When we reach this new place it’s very beautiful and empty, but I have the sense we’ll be found here, too. I think we should find a cave to live in. My heart is sorrowful about all the persecution. She’s certain that we’ll be looked for here because she saw that the tail of the monoichthiosaurus formed the island at the bottom of the sea. There are very interesting cubelike structures at the top of the hill I’d like to explore. Next to me carved a bit chaotically into the rock are the names of the people who have made it this far. They proclaim that society lied and that this place attests to it. This place is of God and there is no desire here.

April 14

The way is to do and be in a flow that allows the opposites to be embodied and united.

April 15 (1)

I’m inside Maya’s body and I’m naked.

April 15 (2)

The cops have busted me for pot and give me the choice of going to jail or being part of the crew of a ship for six months. When I complain one of them says, “All right, let’s stay clockwise here.” So I go to the ship. I feel a little out of control and in over my head because I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. The others who are getting on the ship seem to have their bearings better than me. They admit 4 people at a time. Suddenly, I’m first and am instructed to go to a part of the ship no one else has gone to. I go down into the belly of the boat where I’ll be sleeping in a kind of commando communal sleeping space. It seems too dark, but the wood everything is made of is of high quality. I keep going to explore more. I get to a section that is intended to be a place to socialize. It gets some natural light though the windows are bit obscured by big pieces of furniture in front of them. It’s decorated with Christmas decorations nobody ever bothered to take down. There are two pairs of women’s shoes on the floor. These are the only things around which aren’t put away. The whole place is pretty fastidiously kept up, it seems more from masculine discipline than a feminine appreciation of the space. Things are ordered, but not loved.

April 16

At my parents’ house I’m with my friends and brothers. There’s lots of the energy that children have when they’re in the midst of intense play. We’re building something. I’m not sure what. I’m taking pieces of concrete from a moss covered table. I’m building with slate. I spill the green paint and some of it gets on one of the seven frogs of my brother Mike. This is bad because maybe it will die. They’re special. Each has its own place around my parents’ house from where it doesn’t move. Mike goes around and feeds them all and they wait still with froglike patience. Buddhalike stillness. Five of them have human colored flesh. One of these is wearing a nun’s habit and two are stone. Before going back outside to where everybody, the action and the thing we’re building are I hear a report on the radio that says that little children don’t like when, while driving, you breathe into their faces after drinking a cold beverage.

Matthew piledrives Mike really hard into the stones and it doesn’t hurt him.

April 17 in the Living Dream

I felt the point at which I merge with the Divine. I didn’t approach only because of the fear of ego surrender. Maybe at times of such clarity I should approach it. The places of me that were conscious are so deep and intense and time transcending that my ego had to sprint to keep up, to become restful in such encompassing wholeness. I’m vulnerable in spaces like this and seem to attract darkness, which suddenly shadows me so that I suddenly feel nothing of the previous moment. I had the sense that it had taken thirty years to get to the questions I came here with, and I replayed thirty years condensed into a wave washing over me. Deep awe for the mystery.

April 18 (1)

Like water flowing high to low I flow to circumstances around the world that attract me. In dreams like this I bring my ego, but dissolve into egolessness. I am able to do this by remaining in the centered inactive place. When asked, “Who is George Myers,” I respond with silence. Warm full energy absorbs into me.

April 18 (2)

Dad gets home from work and everybody’s around. He says we got a phone bill. With his knowing grin he mentions to me that we got a 45 dollar charge for that time I tried to access porn on the internet. We chuckle away the shame of this. The house begins to shake. It’s an earthquake. I vibrate across the floor. I have dreamed this same dream before and announce to everyone, which to the waking mind means. “I dreamed that I dreamed a dream that became a dream a dream.” Then there’s really loud sounds outside the house. I go outside. A car bolts out of our backyard with a cop car following it at top speed. The tear across the street and fly into the Missionhurst ravine going out in a blaze of glory. It’s almost what a boy’s mind imagines when he’s playing with cars, only these aren’t boys. There’s the feeling that life’s meaning has been reduced to one high speed, thrilling cinematic event. They don’t think enough about the destruction of their bodies to worry about the consequences. An 18 wheeler goes truckin’ down the street and bashes into something. I follow it to check things out. More of them are coming. There’s a young man with a radio calling them in. There are perfectly synchronized cheerleaders. Destruction is everywhere. It’s like a further development of the “Smells Like Teen Spirit” video. Someone has built a brown stone suburban house at the end of the street and trucks are smashing into it at full speed. It hardly gets scratched and the truck are destroyed. It’s futile. I tell the guy with the radio that in waking life the cops would be here by now. He says, “I don’t care.”

April 18 in the Living Dream

My Bible somehow got into the washing machine. When I went to put my clothes in the dryer the Book was on top of the clothes, saturated, little bits of it caked all over my clothes. The symbolism would be about washing the Bible of its cultural dirt and then wearing it, actually binding it to the fiber. I don’t have the psychotic, superstitious reverence about it that would some to do penance, that leads other to throw away the American flag if it touches the ground.

April 19

Early in the morning Dad is getting ready to go on a trip around the world. He’s ready to because he’s gotten a lot of his affairs straight. He tells me he thinks the Wizards are going to make the playoffs. I don’t think he’s really being serious. He says that they just need to win their last game, and another team has to lose theirs. When I look at the box score I see why he’s optimistic. Last night they won 210-4 and the game was called in the third quarter. How could that be? It’s a little eerie. They have Lyman Bostock on their team, who in waking life was a baseball player in the 1970s who was killed by his girlfriend. My father has a Playboy in his hand. He goes down the hall to my mother’s room. I hear him say pleadingly, “I don’t know,” which must be in response to, “What the hell are you doing with that?” In he totally insane I’m-going-to-destroy-you voice she shrieks, “ANSWER ME!” He really doesn’t know.

April 20 Heart Trilogy

Maya and I are doing a task together which involves listening and involvement. I feel like I’m not really flowing enough with it. An ugly joke comes out of my mouth about her being dead in two days. I didn’t mean it! We hug. We’re together.

The heart is free, but needing and claiming remonstrate the experience of it.

I’m with Maya and feelings of tension are in me. I’m worried she’ll ask too much of me, but she is loving and open and we hug and it is okay.

April 21 Santa Cruz

Derek and I are hanging out talking about a dream I had which showed me relating to the pornographic in different ways. I tell him about the process of letting myself explore and experience without judgement, knowing that this sometimes leads to experiences which can deny moral standards, but what else can I do? He responds while folding puzzles of the world that he made and putting them into a box. He is very disapproving. He says, “Just deny the whore!”

April 23

Me and a woman are in an alcove together that’s adjacent to a doctor’s office. The doctor is older and is seeing a patient. Me and the woman are talking openly. She not like me. She’s much more extraverted, turned toward the world as if she is showing her beauty to it all the time because this is how she has learned to relate to it. From listening too much to compliments she has formed this ready-to-be-praised attitude. She’s attracted to me because of our openness. It’s natural for emotional openness to imply sexuality. It always does this because sexuality is so closed off; there are the emotions as spread as legs, or as unhidden as a hard, yet strangely vulnerable, exposed penis. We get naked and we’re still talking. I’m passive, not trying, just letting it go where it wants. I’m not demonstrative, but being how I am, if I tried to be, I would seem like an unsuave fool anyway. Since I am not trying to show her what a great cock I am the resulting mental state is a little morose. She comes to me and we hold each other, but then the doctor says he doesn’t want this to lead to sexuality. Nakedness is not the issue. She keeps breaking his rule and he keeps reprimanding her for it. Finally, she’s fed up and decided to leave. Her clothes are on very fast and as she walks away she leaves me with a long goodbye that’s in a tall, blond, European language I don’t understand.

April 24

I’m in this room sitting at a desk. There’s a force that is pushing me around and I’m fighting a little fogginess in my mind. I’m wondering what it is. It pushes me a little. I push back. It pushes me again. I push back and it suddenly leaps on me full force trying to blank my mind sounding like a chainsaw in my ear until I get my being together and rebuke it in the name of Jesus.

April 27 Hollywood

Tom and I are watching TV together and it’s late. There’s a commercial I think is good. From the knees down we see a man and a woman looking like they’re getting it on. When we see this again the woman’s shoe is different. When we zoom out it’s actually two men and they’re not actually getting it on. In another shot we see semen fall into a man’s face. In the bigger picture it’s not semen and three transvestites are there. This scene becomes a black limo going down the highway, but that’s too obviously sexual. It’s a good game to focus on the particular and zoom out so that you can see the bigger picture.

I’m at my locker in high school. It’s outside and there’s a lot of space inside it. There’s no need for locks because people here are too ethical to steal. There’s no temptation to steal. The school is spiritually oriented. While I was away my locker was jostled a lot. Things are at the bottom in wetness. I quickly pick them up. A clean up crew comes. There must have been a flood of some kind. The man is impatient waiting for me to move so he can do his job. I take a last look and close it. Nearby I have a small chest of drawers that sits on the ground. I dress like me, but my style looks a little neohippy. I feel two attractive blond, short-haired girls looking in my direction. I hope they’re looking at me. I peer at them guardedly. As the get up and go off it’s as though they haven’t seen me.

I head off and go to Cherrydale Park. A performance connected to school is being put on there. At first it seems like a one woman show. A woman is bemoaning the name of the man who raped her. She does this with incredible anguish, making as much of a figure of attention as possible. She almost seems proud to be a victim, set apart from us in that she has knowledge of suffering that only someone who has been raped can know. If she’s not proud she’s at least making a show of herself and her victimization. A couple people have stopped to watch. I decide to as well. She’s the archetype of the post-modern woman in her strength: there is nothing inferior about her. Her body has a rich, fleshy pinkness which looks beautiful through the see-through garment she is wearing and her breasts are cosmetically perfect huge 90s balloons with huge areolas. She calls for her infant boy to be brought to her. The stage on which she’s performing is a small grassy mound. I wander behind it and there I can see the characters in the play waiting to enter. One is wearing a pretty awful, demonic monster mask.

These actors/people seem to be in charge of guarding a circular door day and night. The door separates from the door behind which the aliens live. One guy’s job is to guard it while he sleeps all night, but in his sleep, or in a state between sleep and waking he opens it. The opening of it is a very complex procedure of turning and undoing parts of an outer lid, removing it, and then doing the same with the inner lid. There are lots of circles and crosses on each door. It is open completely only for a moment, but this is just enough time. It gives a Starship Enterprise from the other dimension just enough space in90 degrees of yellow light. The other dimension is a world of this yellow light. I think of Jung’s green gold from the alchemy studies. There’s something terrifying about the admittance of the alien, a sense that it could annihilate everything into oblivion with unbelievable suddenness. The alien leaves its ship and in a cloud of yellow-green light travels around the area where the guardians of the door live, and which they care for. To speak to people it personifies itself as a friendly looking cartoon man, which is not frightening at all, and its countenance is so crudely imitative that it almost has a kind of falseness to it, which is a reflection of our need to contain and oversimplify it.

I finally head home. I go to the shop and then my Budapest flat. It’s nice and high up and has an Oriental rug. Some insects begin appearing and for awhile I just wander the flat observing them. There’s something unusual about them. There’s all different kinds. One of them is the biggest grasshopper I have ever seen. It’s a foot long and it’s being attacked by very big ants. I should keep it because it is so big. More and more come until they’re everywhere. I’m a little worried. There’s a slightly grasshopper shaped crumbling pile of green from a huge grasshopper that died at the spot that I didn’t clean up the last time the insects came out. This, I realize, is a cycle! Once in a blue moon all the insects, and sometimes the reptiles, come to where I am as if they’ve been called there by a frequency or something. It always makes me feel a little out of control with the non-stop increase of their gathering, the feeling of being overrun. I notice a strange green worm that’s leaving. I want to touch it, but I am worried that it is poisonous. Then I see a lizard with a white tail. I think it’d be cool to keep it so I go after it and because I do this its tail falls off in segments. Then, suddenly, they all leave at once. I’m alone. I notice this cool fountain which seems to have life in it. Two frogs sit facing each other on opposite sides. They’re stone, but they take turns spitting into each other’s mouth.

I realize that when I was at the shop nobody was there and I strolled around it in a daze almost not even conscious, my mind wandering, just taking what I needed. One item, which I sense must have drawn the insects, was the insect food I picked up for no particular reason. When I look in my bag it’s a bag of food for cats, but in the form of tiny pellets, the way a bug would prefer.

April 28 (1)

I travel through the world as my whole self, experiencing relation. I am not completely aware of my wholeness. My lack of awareness is shown by my refusal to eat bread. I am a ball floating over the turtle’s back. I wear this dream in a bag of dreams that hangs from my belt.

April 28 (2)

Derek and I are walking along talking about where I am with life. I tell him an accurate version of where I am to which the idea of transcendence is central, but he doesn’t seem to buy this. “Is it too new age?” I ask. He affirms this grimly. Since I have to define myself by what he thinks and does I re-examine what I said and see that I didn’t mention the Bible. Pleadingly I say that I could have mentioned the personalization, rather than the personification, of the God force, which is the story of the Bible, and which is crucial to my existence, and say I thought this was precluded in what I was saying. Why I am defining myself by his judgment?

April 29 (1)

I’m in my flat alone. It’s nice and spacious with a lot of nice wood. I decide to attempt to become one with God through meditation. As soon as I become wholly passive within myself very intense energy rushes in, thrusting through me crazy power, trying to take me over as it used to in dreams in the first dream of the night, usually overwhelming me, but also appearing as a force against which I had the opportunity to build the knowledge that in faith primal chaos won’t tear me to shreds. It’s raging impersonal energy. I close it off because it’s taking me over. I try to open again and it returns in the same form. I have to make it stop. This leaves with me with frustration over what God wants from me. I don’t meditate to be ruled and annihilated. I do it to become. When I wonder if it intends that I crossdress I get an affirmative ripple of energy
through me, so I do. This whole episode leaves me a bit anguished. I go around the house closing doors. There’s a door to the outside that should have been closed and wasn’t.

My flat becomes a place where 90s rap violence culture and its ridiculous egomania come. It converges on my place like the insects, and it’s more of a dance than an attack. I escape being hurt by soaring to a firestation pole in the middle of a spiral staircase and I sail past each of the murderous posses waiting expectantly at each level to get to the next, each eagerly anticipating getting into the arena of my flat, but really it’s more dance than violence.

There is a child who is suspected of going around killing his classmates. He actually has been going on a wild killing spree. In class one day his classmate kills him in the same style that he kills and announces to everyone, using the killer’s murder line, and wanting attention, “I opened him up!” We see the suspected murderer slumped at his desk, head to the side, a gash in his neck with blood spilling out. Several children start channel the voice of the dead child and say things like, “Die motherfucker!” and they all act like the murderer. Then on the television at the front of the classroom we see a really insane woman in her forties saying to us, “Die motherfucker!” It was really her working through him to kill his classmates and now he’s dead. She killed the one through whom she worked and now everybody is channelling her. At least now everybody is aware of what is actually going on.

April 29 (2)

There are all these porno sluts with white hair, wearing only white high heels. I climb a hill of them, sticking it in some and taking it out and at the top I come into one of them.

April 30 (1)

There’s a little hill of sand at the beach. I rake stones out of it with my feet and collect them in a pile at the base of the hill just as Jesus does with runaways in order to create a church. The hill is the church. The stones are its people.

April 30 (2)

I’m being chased down the beach by a big group of men. I’ve been told to come here to hide. The men know this, but I’m so far ahead of them that they can’t see me. I scale delicate virgin dunes only needing to barely put my fingertips and toetips into them, disturbing them so little that my trail is instantly covered behind me. I glide over and across the dunes like this, sometimes not even touching them when it’s too steep, but flying. I go way way up until I reach a flat sandy place. The men are way down below. There are mountains further on. There’s so much space and I am so agile that I feel confidant about being able to elude them.

May 1

I’m still being chased and I feel afraid. Maya is safe and whole and assures me everything will be okay. There’s a lot of sunlight.

May 2 Santa Cruz

I’m under demonic attack. I go into it with the same righteousness with which people go into war. I go into a room filled with them. They all look totally human, which makes it seem that they invited it inside of them, that they are not it. I stand form against them rebuking them in the name of Christ. This has the effect of making them keep their distance, but it doesn’t have the effect of making them scatter like Derek said it would. This is because my inner attitude and heart are not receptive to God. This is the classical, typical score-the-winning-point arrogance of the Christian that is worthy of contempt. When I wake I discover I have been bitten on the center of my lower lip by a mosquito. Which in the Living Dream represents the opposite of arrogance.

May 4 Watsonville—initiation into the Living Dream

I’m wallowing in the severe awfulness of terrible dark despair. David takes the mescaline. He’s not even sure why. There’s the sense that he’s taking it in order to go beyond maya. But what does it mean that his desire to do this is part of the illusion? There’s the sense that something unrelated to the illusion is leading him on. The essence of the reason for taking it is not knowing what’s going to happen. He takes it. A woman warns him not to anticipate too much before it really kicks in. Taking the mescaline is a risk taken in faith that will allow total surrender and that’s why it’s scary and strange. In the alternate version of the dream which shows what happens if the mescaline isn’t taken shows Mirabel and David finding me at home and my eyes are black and blue.

May 5 Santa Cruz

I’m at the seaside. There are lots of sea lions doing their thing in the sunshine, very laid back and playful. After awhile when my conscious mind is relaxed and receptive I can hear what they’re saying in human language. Most of them speak a language I don’t know, but some speak English. One of them on land throws a fish to his friend in the water and says, “Here, kitty, kitty, kitty,” and laughs like an old man.

I think of Jung’s meetings with ghosts. I think of ghosts singing. I’m running through the woods and a ghost is near me. I feel it trying to possess me. I channel the Holy Name. When I wake up I am sleeping on my stomach which definitely attracts this kind of hassle.

May 6

I’m hanging with some of the Stooge house people talking about Christ in that Christian way that annoys me so much, as if Christ is something you can vote on, or a business proposal, or a new house you’re thinking of buying. Christ is a new house, but you can’t buy it. It’s not an affordable lot in a good neighborhood in Utah that sanctions certain behaviors as acceptable, like the behavior of cute innocuous things while semen in the mouth is bestial and vilified, addax, Christ is better than the alternative which is animal suffering. I glance around to see if anyone’s looking contemptuously at us because we’re talking about Christ.

I receive a brief correspondence from Janet. In it she says that one of her names is Meta. I want to write her back to tell her my story. Her letter is decorated in the same way I decorate this book. The decoration looks like the top of a hill.

May 8 (1) San Francisco

I’m in Maya’s backyard at night. People are doing drugs here, but gradually everyone decides to stop except for a bearded guy in a wheelchair. He continues, really pouring it on, doing crack. His exhalation smells so toxic that I get far away from him. On and on this goes till finally, out of nowhere, out of grace, he’s walking toward me, carrying his wheelchair, suddenly aware of his own self-destructiveness, whereas he wasn’t before. He’s reaching for life and seems like he doesn’t intend to let it go.

May 8 (2)

Maya and I sit naked side by side holding each other. We are masturbating, too. My orgasm is not so full of intensity, but the ejaculate is interesting. It’s white, light, thin and shimmering, pouring out onto her leg. My peehole remains open in the shape of a big round O. Big glistening globs of yellow semeny looking stuff spew out of her. Both of our ejaculates are mixing on her leg. It’s as if her stuff is male and mine female. I feel nervous about this the whole time like I can’t put my feet down.

Some people from my family, including Mark Whistler and my Dad, come together. We fashion homemade instruments. Dad had a pan flute and leads us in a parade, playing it, improvising off Joe’s song. Dad is free and happy. When we get to a covered bridge another sound begins resonating really loudly. He says, “Listen to that,” to people he doesn’t know who are smiling. I tell him the flute is resonating with the frequency of the water going under the bridge. The flip side of worshipping logic is delighting in the functions of nature.

May 9 at the Hyatt with my parents

I show my parents the Buddha. He is on TV.

My dad asks, “What I want to know is are you going to be able to say no?” I ask, “To whom?” “To what’s probably in this room.” [forces of darkness] “Of course!”

I go outside to my porch with a cat and a dog. The dog is a pup, so cute and loving. Dad looks through my dreams. He says, “Let’s just try to be present today. Let us call you by your nickname.” My feeling is that I would be present anyway, but okay.

The giant turtle went the wrong way. I deeply feel its whole turtleness.

I am playing a horn and I jam with Jimi Hendrix.

May 10 (1) San Francisco

There’s a gathering of friends at my flat which includes Maya. There’s a knock on the door. I ask who it is. It sounds like Georgie’s voice. I open the first door. There’s another door. I ask, “Who is it?” I hear Georgie say, “It’s me!” I open the door. Her hair is growing out. She wants me to go on a trip with her and two friends. I look at them. She says, “Your emotions can take it.” Yes, I can. I give her a big and lift her off the ground because she’s so light. I say, “You are as light as seven feathers.” Inside she offers me her mouth to kiss. I give her a peck and not the long one she is waiting for. It’s the same as our first and last kiss, only the roles are switched.

May 10 (2)

Me and my parents are riding in a car. They lay into me about stuff. I’m like, “Hey, my position in the game was to do what I’ve done so that I would have the experiences I’ve had which will enable me to write the book. Without this there’s no book and play the game as a sick, incomplete person.” They can’t buy my logic. Dad stops the car. We get out and argue. Back at home me and Matt are playing on the kitchen floor. He’s four. I’m lying on my stomach. Someone holds my legs up. I arch my back as much as I can and spread my arms out and go into it gradually, letting my diaphragm vibrate at different frequencies until I find the right one and then I increase the volume. I hold the sound and the position for a couple seconds and then I let it all go laughing. In Yoga this is called the Airplane Position. Me and Matt start talking in a made up language that is very silly.

May 10 (3)

Two little blond boys bring logs to help me build a circle on my parents’ street by the Missionhurst path. In the car I tell my mom about this. She says, “Oh, I like circles, but why do they have to build it near the street.” I say, “Mom. It’s the God instinct.” She has made me and my friend sandwiches which we eat on the street. I eat mine into a shape my friend says is gross, which makes me laugh. Down the street people are really dressed up for a party. They look so nice, they feel shy. They invite me to join them, but I say I have too much to dream.

May 11 (1)

I’m in the process of connecting the sea with the shore while I vibrate my diaphragm with sound. Only my weak cracking voice comes out. I pound my chest with my fist as I vibrate and finally it drops down to the full deep tone of me.

May 11 (2)

Embodying the opposites is a rare trick of stillness on a constantly active psychic sea, but either gendered crossdresser may have access to it. The inner must be embodied to flow through to the other and vice versa. The walking on water is about this.

May 11 (3)

I follow my poetic instinct completely despite what my friend approves. He drops me off at Missionhurst at night to follow this darker way. I sit on a picnic table that’s next to the far entrance of the field. It looks like deep muddy truck gashes go across the field, but also a huge circle. I contemplate in the darkness. Much sooner than I expect it begins to get light and the morning is so beautiful. I think I’ll go into the chapel at the top of the hill to pray.

May 11 (4)

Laughing too loud can be the body’s expression of vengeance.

May 14 (1) Georgie’s porch

I’m in church with lots of people. Chaos and violence erupt. Everyone flees. I can’t keep anything, not even the conversation book I have with me, which is on tape. Nothing of what was there can be retrieved. After the tumult dies down I go back to the church expecting to find nothing. I turn on the secondary light which is not constant, but flickering. Someone has set a table very fancily, but it has no food yet. It is set with plates, purple candles that are lit, evergreen fronds and huge glass wine goblets. It just needs people and food. None of this stuff was stolen. There are two shops nearby. One’s called The Game of Hell. The other is called The Gay Way. It’s a wineshop.

May 14 (2)

Me and David are headed out to the car. He’s telling me Maya isn’t as ready to go out into the world as she thinks she is. Today, she had a tough time. I say I know. I have the same problem she does. I have the same feeling she does of having to let this terrible thing come. In my case it’s connected to the idea that man would attempt to create flesh, which reflects the idea that the sacredness of the flesh is my life’s question. I’m terrified to feel what this question is about, like Jung when he was afraid of his thought and it turned out to be God laying a turd on the church when he let it come. I tell David the anxiety is coming on. It’s night. Some men are repairing the electrical infrastructure of the city. I can’t really go on. God is taking me. I spin myself slowly and am taken off the ground. David’s looking for me, but can’t see me. Some people say, “He’s flying!”

May 15

My map is made up of circles. Each one represents a person who gives their heart to love. The circles are housed on color. There’s no likeness between this map and the world map.

May 16 (1)

This is about the state of water that doesn’t know rules. I can show this from the top of my hill which is the turtle’s back. When I remain true to this the illusion of evil disappears. Those who look in this way can really see. Alan is really looking. The part of me that exists in need of validation is in contention of the whole self. Hell is the despair of meaninglessness. My wheelbarrow is stacked high with beautiful things.

May 16 (2)

Mirabel and David see the plant of flesh growing out of my foot. It is fantastically delicate.

May 18

At Aza’s I’m awake before anyone else. Aza has ordered bread and coffee to be delivered to the house. There are a lot of people staying here, so a lot of bread and coffee come. Nobody’s up and somebody has to pay for the bread. Okay, I’ll do it. I really need what little money I’ve got because I’ve got to get back east. I go to look at my money and discover I have a twenty I didn’t know I had.

May 20

I gather a lot of stuff before going to the top of the hill. Derek gives me some clothes. My father gives me a ladder.

In Richmond I’m walking toward school. There’s lots of overactive behavior among the students. All I hear from them is two topics of conversation: (1) today is Thanksgiving and everybody has somewhere to go, (2) “K” this new drug everyone is doing that comes in canisters. Half the people are for each, nobody for neither. People begin running because a storm is coming. I a going toward a church at the bottom of the Fan to contemplate warm and alone.

May 21

Me and my brother go on a talk show. I’ve got a little defenseless animal like my familiar in my hands. Joe has a purple leopard that is sitting on my chest. I’m afraid to move, but not terrified it will kill me.

May 22 (1)

I walk around and around in the hills collecting, listening, touching delicate beautiful love.

May 22 (2)

I’m in a classroom full of people. Margie’s daughter is in it. Margie is teaching it. Before class begins both of them say what little Hungarian they know to me. I’m in the front of the classroom. So is Maya. She’s going over old notes she took in another class. What a strange thing to go over notes from a class you already took. Margie gives me a drink. She gives drinks to all the people in the class who she knows. The tables are chest high. You sit at them with high stools. I put my hands on two tables and bounce up and down gently and say, “I feel like I’m in water.” Me and Maya are naked.

May 22 (3)

I bound across streets when I feel no cars coming. I dance across the land past two young men. One has so much feminine beauty that I have to kiss him. I do quickly and resist the temptation to make it long enough to be imposing. He’s entering the church. He’s with Chris More who’s talking about Christianity. Chris stutters a lot. He says, “Life is not a toy.” Then he starts to talk in an overly complex way about institutional stuff, like “I did my catechismic biology in French.” What is he talking about? Self is simple. I is complex.

May 23

Carl Jung hated his wife!

Enter the Living Dream, no more dreams in sleep for several days.

May 27 Arlington

I’m in front of a stage. The black singer comes down from it to play me like an instrument, which I find a little annoying because he’s behind me, on my back, overpowering me, always outflanking my attempts to outflank him with my arms and legs, feet and hands thereby not allowing me to escape. I begin to accept it and feel bloated with energy and float up. A spirit floats in front of me. I swing at it slowly and heavily with the back of my hand. When I strike it, it breaks into pieces.

May 28

As I go from sleep which is pure dreamless rest to waking I can feel the alchemical process in the room. I can feel the hot red devil and the jack of diamonds assuming me, feeling like the quicksilver of rubber water. My heart pounds, but my being sinks into the purification inherent in Christ’s love. As this happens I hear angels laughing.

June 1 (1)

Everywhere I go I bring the dance with me. I go to Cape Cod. The key element in the dance, the blond woman, is nervous. She’s sitting on a stool with her feet off the ground. I’m sitting in a director’s chair. We change chairs so her feet can touch the ground.

June 1 (2)

God waits for everyone in the world to think I’m a fool before acting through me upon a strangely colored snake that moves without will.

June 2

I make music on the guitar. The earth rumbles. I open my being like a door. Lots of energy.

June 4

There are three stages I must go through: 1) letting go, 2) it taking me over, 3) acting. Once this is complete I can use it to guide my Grandmother.

I’m trying to get on this team of brutal men who practise and play this intensely rough game at every opportunity. On the team I am an element that carries the ball with incredible speed. I practise this and toss the ball to the coach, who is fantastically serious.

My key opens my parents’ garage door through a keyhole at the back wall. As I put it in I expect to get an electric shock, but nothing happens.

I mention something about celebrating my Grandmother’s death and my mom goes apeshit because she doesn’t understand what it means to celebrate someone after they’ve died.

June 5 (1) My Grandmother dies.

I relax my body, laying in the grass in the Panhandle in San Francisco. There’s bread on the grass. I move into the bread so the birds will come closer to me.

June 5 (2)

I have Jack Kerouac’s first epic and I have to edit it with my hindsight and wisdom, bringing out the inner-meaning which he couldn’t see. He does a lot of hanging out with a woman. They drink together. At a certain hip bar they are asked to sit at a table in the back, rather than in the front window, because they don’t look cool enough.

June 6 (1)

My grandmother is a laughing flower.

June 6 (2)

I’ m in a place in San Francisco where nature is very near. There’s a little creature at which I throw something, but then I get nearer to it. I have a stick I hold out to it. He likes chewing on the end of the stick. I sort of lead him around with the end of the stick in his mouth, and then I actually touch him. His body has the feeling of an animal’s body that hasn’t been touched since it left its mother. I lose the stick and get another. This one has mud on the end of it. I don’t know that this makes any difference to him so I offer it. He doesn’t like the mud in his mouth and spits it out. Now I realize it’s a boy. We go to the top of a hill in a San Francisco park. I have to leave him there, but we’ll see each other again. I’m very worried because all around there are self-styled pagans, sorcerers, vampires and the like. Classical music that has a foreboding sound is playing. I ask him his name. He says, “Ben.” It pains me to leave him, but I must and I fly off in the direction of lower Haight. The music now sounds triumphant and hopeful. I keep flying higher and higher to get over the buildings. I’m willing flight too much.

June 7 (1)

My Grandmother is a link between this world and the next. She forms a circle around me. By walking round and round I can enliven her. White pneuma is everywhere we are not.

June 8 (2)

We’re all together making music. There are black voices and babies. Steffany George is on my back giving me rhythm.

June 10 (1)

I’m really alone in the Dohany bedroom, alienated, out of the flow. I remember something Derek told me he left there. It’s a little elephant head perfume spray bottle. It has a blue squeeze pump. It mists down onto Maya’s clothes from where it is connected to the clothesrack. When I go to use it I see he’s buried down in Maya’s clothes. He said he’d come here every once in a while to give a squirt.

June 10 (2)

A black rat is running in the dazzling August sunshine.

June 11 (1)

I’m shooting baskets. My form is pretty good and they’re going in. One time it’s bad and the ball goes way short. The thing that is propelling the jump shot is a photograph of me and Maya. On the bad shot the photo got a little messed up. A corner got torn off. The torn off piece is on the floor near where the basket is. I need the photo to be whole to shoot baskets.

June 11 (2)

This part of my mission involves opening myself to archetypal sexuality. I carefully prepare a place on a bed. There’s a round object in a hole. I begin behaving sexually and soon penetrate it. I sense I ought to give my body to God to work through me and when I do my legs life into the air, my arms spread, my body is held and semen gushes out.

June 11 (3)

Somehow me and my brothers let all the trivial shit in life go. We step into a river. Then there’s an empty black and white car that’s like an old guy’s Cadillac transformed into a sleek young guy’s car. This is ours. The alchemist watches us.

June 12

I must lie still until I hear the music of love.

Truth was in the beholder’s eye, but sentimentalized so I had to move north to the cold lands of the arctic where many people are seeking.

I carry my Grandmother’s essence toward the mansion of life.

I have a rubber ball that I bounce very high. It hits the roofs of cars and bounces more. I’m going to give it to Maya, but it’s not time.

June 13 (1)

The storm builds incredibly right outside my house. The furious huge clouds are even touching my house.

I am a dark bridge in sunshine.

God is so mercilessly unique that limitations create infinity.

June 13 (2)

Me, my father and Joe are sitting in a waiting area. Dad’s telling us that recently he’s been bombarded with Latin phrases. The recurring synchronicity has given him faith and the ability to wonder. He mentions a Latin phrase mom used with him. I am amazed and pleased about him. I say that Latin is the language of the Spirit. It’s the Spirit’s way of speaking to the soul. You must have a dead language for this business.

June 13 (3)

At Julio’s so many animals begin appearing in the yard and they’re all mammalian, beginning with mice and going up to big goats. There are no predators. It’s very exciting. It’s like the coming of the reptiles and insects, but now it’s mammals.

I live in a flat with Mike Missiaen. My body is fully there, but I find an arm of mine that was chopped odd a long time ago. Its hand is way bigger than mine and the fingers all look like very big penises. I want to use them in an erotic way, but I’m not sure how. The hand is a bit swollen. The fingers have an outer film on them like the plastic on Hungarian hot dogs. I want to remove it. I unwrap one. As I do the next the wrapping catches and the flesh unwraps, exposing the reddish, purple inside, which is terrifying. I have to get rid of this stuff. Even though it’s all from me, somebody might think I killed somebody to get it. I’ve been keeping it here in the flat for a long time. I’m expecting a big stench, but no. I panic a little trying to figure out what I’m going to do. I cover some of it with a plastic plate full of finely cut up stuff that would be rolled into sushi. Mike cut it up. I get all of it into my room except for an arm that’s lying in the trash. It suddenly seems there were more than two arms.

June 13 (4)

I’m inside a house. There’s a dead person inside. The black cat killed him, but everybody will think I did it because my fingerprints are all over everything. The black cat, who is the actual murderer, is there. I leave, closing the two front doors behind me. I notice that the house is under surveillance by two cars. I know I’ll be busted, but what else can I do, but keep going?

I’m in a shop because I am to buy a water pipe. I test them with pot. I test all the main types from one room, rejecting all of those that feel symbolically untrue for me, including the most giant one which has the shape of a fertility goddess. It’s so heavy and unsteady that, in use, it would fall. The one I actually like the best is a nice painting of a beach that was dome by a woman. Another woman is saying there’s a whole other room of pipes to check. This makes me feel a bit tired and I think, “Aren’t there enough right here?”

There are two mandalas. The first is of a mortal lamb. The second is alchemical and shows the elements of everlasting life.

June 14 (1)

The Queen is needed at alchemical court.

June 14 (2)

A brown squirrel comes down from the attic in the Cape Cod house. My instinct is to get it out of the house, but it is so friendly I decide to feed it. It sits in the middle of the floor. I go get the last of my trail mix. When I come back with it, he’s gone. I go out to the porch where I think he probably went, but instead it’s an area of sweet, little delicate birds. I throw them the food. I feel myself sinking into the earth. Betty made this area. She designed it so that the earth would be too soft for people to walk on. When I turn back the scene is completely new. It’s outdoors. A puppet man and a puppet woman are hanging upside-down from poles that are connected to a track on which they go back and forth. Each has a black/feather/insect plant thing on their face. I can’t tell if the thing is alive or not. I start shoving the male puppet as a kind of reality test and suddenly he’s standing on the ground in front of me fully animated. He’s blue. His face is the face of the artist from Scrutin-eyes, the waking life alchemical board game. A lot of heat comes from him. His body is very heavy and dense, like what I felt in the dream when the black man combined with me from behind. Initially I feel some fear, but then I remember this being doesn’t want to hurt me. He says, “Are you drunk?” and I shut my eyes and float up slowly. His countenance shows that he’s not pretending to be something he’s not.

June 14 (3)

I’m trying to prepare a child for whatever it is that’s coming. We’re together and speaking. There’s red and yellow snakes everywhere around us, not threatening us. I ask him if he’s okay with this. He says yes.

June 14 (4)

Around my neck I’m wearing a stone and a cross. I look at the cross almost crying. I’m seeing it’s form, how everything meets in the middle. I wonder how much longer after all this suffering for 2,000 years of people looking at this symbol with the same ignorance of what’s behind it that I have, yet I am looking at it with the same child’s hope as history has.

June 15 (1)

I go across the country to live with Maya at Fort Baker. Everything is provided for us. The journey is like travelling across a pair of beautiful buttocks. I think, “No one will ever believe me.” A voice says, “Get up and explain it! Stand up and write!”

June 15 (1)

I’m making music on the guitar, exploring lots of different possibilities. I’m parting from Beatrix. She gives me a little kiss on the mouth. She sees me seeing her. She gives me another longer kiss, then goes. Bye!

June 16 (1) Richmond

Walking from this world to the future world is like walking from one room to the next. The room of this world is black and white, while that of the next is in colors.

June 16 (2)

A man and a woman skunk are reunited on top of a mountain. I think this is boring in the same way I thought Pepe LePew was boring when I was a kid.

Kids eat in this way where they sometimes stop eating a meal, not because they lose their appetite, but because they become interested in something else.

June 17

I am the feminine, waiting, open. The masculine spirit unites with me.

June 19

I’m getting sicker everyday with cancer. I lay still though there’s an ache involved in the body shutting down. I accept it.

I’m seeing a shrink who can’t do anything g for me. A child comes who I pull up into my lap. At this point the best psychologist is a healthy child.

June 20

On the phone Matt is crying. He says to me, “Why won’t you let me experience anything for myself?”

I’m crying tears into Maya’s belly.

June 21 (1) Stacey and Maya begin their journeys

I lay down to let you work the magic of tears and love on my soul. I am carried and glow within.

At my parents’ I am trying to let the Spirit in. Afterwards my mom wants repeatedly to know if I’m successful.

Me and Maya travel the world together.

My father leaves my mother.

I decide to meditate under the Tree of Life, but don’t because two young toughs are guarding it.

I watch Chuck Berry alone in a room with an electric guitar which he plays the hell out of. He stops letting feedback resonate, and then attacks it again.

June 21 (2)

I am the driver of a vehicle that Joe and Christy are in. It’s a box. I stand in the front of it. When it goes from still to moving it gradually does this on its own. When I move my body left or right the box moves with me. The only mechanism I control is the brake. Me and my parents arrive at this place where I’ve been asked to perform. We know we’ve arrived because its front gate is so massive. It’s white stone and looks ancient Greek. It’s a magical park that was designed for children, but really it’s for kids of all ages. We go to a part of it where we’re supposed to sign in. They let me go right through saying, “We know you. We’ve known you for a long time.” I don’t know them, but there’s the sense that they have been silently watching me as I have gone through my life. My parents have to stop and give information about themselves.

Derek and I are deep into quality time, discovering our dialogue. He’s cut his hair and has bangs which I tell him looks Mercurial. Susan keeps calling him and won’t stop. She’s doing it from the next room and it’s really annoying. It’s disrespectful. It’s driving him nuts. In a way, there’s nothing for him to do, but leave and attend to the nag with love and without negotiation. I tell him this and he cries deeply, tears dark as oil on his face going into well-worn ruts. This is awful.

June 22

I’m watching girls play field hockey at H. B. Woodlawn. A father is looking on at his daughter playing goalie as objects are flying at her really fast. I am frightened for her, but he doesn’t seem to be, or at least he knows that she must learn this skill, which means that she must do dangerous things. She’s probably practised a lot at home. I get into the back of the goal and lay down. She does, too. The goal becomes a crib. The father turns the lights off. He’s okay with me there. I’m having trouble breathing. I ask him if they have any dogs or cats. He says no. I think of the child me and Maya will have and I feel some worry. I naturally worry for children because the world is so fast and sharp.

June 23

When I relax in bed all the infants around me rise.

June 24

I’m reading this book that is a really crazy account. I’m not sure what it’s about. It’s like a literary collage. It’s very much like the dream book Maya gave me. In some places the lines of type are very innovatively done, rippling like waves. Sometimes it changes into my most exuberant handwriting. A lot of the story is fantastically dark. One of the scenes becomes real and I’m in it. It’s me and two guys. They want to have an orgy. We all take our clothes off. Their penises are much bigger than mine. One of them, whose pubic hair is shaved, has a metal stitch in the top of his dick. They assfuck each other. I never join in and don’t pay attention because it’s not too interesting. I look at myself ina mirror. They finish. A professor and I are then looking at the book together and all it seems to be is a collection of finely detailed maps, which the professor says were copied, and there’s a section where the relation and quality of everything that is important to the author is described. The whole thing seems hokey. “What good is this? There’s no story,” I say. The professor says, “Yes, there is, in the beginning. Before going to it I know what it is. It’s about a dead body discovered in the woods. I’m present at the scene. Three young and out-of-control men find the body hanging by its neck from a tree. It actually seems to move forward on its won. Up close I see its head is sculpted, and a very severe, bony ram’s head that seems to possess consciousness still. It’s the god of war.

June 25 (1)

No need to guard the body that’s clothed in faith. I walk through the world naked, accepting.

June 25 (2)

Me and Wendy are in bed getting it on. She’s dressed up sleazy. She wants me to take her shoes off because they’re hurting her feet. I try not to control my penis. I try no to will it. There’s no love. It’s just sex, and I keep thinking about diseases she would give me, and a disease would ruin everything between me and Maya. I stop. We go to Croatia together. We’re visiting a special place called “villapo.” This word developed out of modern travel culture to label a town that has been washed away be the sea, but what remains of it is concrete: the streets and scattered buildings. Everything else is washed clean. Walking in it depends on the tide.

I see myself as a 21 year old speaking into a video camera in a moment I seem to know will be remembered. I’m watching it now as a thirty year old and I’m even surer it will be remembered. There’s so much vulnerability and feminine beauty in my face. I tell the camera, “I just want Derek to remember me as a man, not a woman.” It’s so obvious that I’m denying the truth, pretending that I’m a big man so he’ll accept me.

Matt is with me in Croatia, totally bent out of shape with anxiety, so much so that he couldn’t pee in a bathroom and now he’s about to bust. I’m frustrated with him. I get him to another bathroom and pee showers out of him.

June 26 (1)

The lions rule the wolves. Finally, after a lot of escalating tension, during a walk in the forest the pack rebels against the pride at the right moment which has been reached because the wolves have chained too long. A human is on the wolves’ side but is really more of a bystander. A lion with sharp wings of bone turns and decapitates the human with his wing without intending to.

June 26 (2)

I stand in front of the tree of life. Behind it is the mansion of life.

June 27 After showing the anus cartoons at the improper time

I tell Tena I’m looking for the spark of life. Later, at night, I go into her room and she’s crying. She says, “You know how to be intimate.”

People mistake my honesty for me molesting a six year old girl.

Maya comes through to tell me she wants me to know that I’m not clumsy to her, that I’m not a reject to her, nor am I a child molester.

June 28 (1)

My becoming is about trusting the children’s story. I’m in it for a long time with the purple cat, bee, frog, mouse, et al.

June 28 (2)

I’m Jim Morrison. My girlfriend is Barbara Streisand. It’s a movie. We’re in a convertible. It’s night. I'm in the back seat with another woman and go down on her from the side. Barbara sees and is enraged and tells me to get out of the car because we’ve broken up. When I get out of the car the world is very colorful. I go down the street in a rhythmic dance/walk, singing. The sidewalk is filled with extras. Everything is highly choreographed. Everyone is a hippy in the purest sense. Nobody is ego-centered, rebellious or judgemental. It’s really colorful and circuslike and in LA. Society no longer needs the upstanding citizen. I start singing and the sound of my voice is golden and beautiful, like liquid gold, not like the crooning bluesy lizard king. It’s my real voice.

July 2 Falls Church

I’m going down a highway in a car with some men who have a hit squad out to get them, which is in the next car. A gunfight ensues that puts the gunmen in the hospital. They couldn’t help it. Their boss was in control of everything. I read in a holy book, that seems unholy, that fear and restraint are related, and that this should be worked through.

Dad is delivering me to a mental institution. On the way we go into a shopping mall and two things happen simultaneously: 1) Dad gets asked to cover for Mike as a cahier at CVS, which he gladly does, and 2) I scream just for the sake of it like a little kid. Everyone’s attention is drawn to me. A woman says, “Shut-up!” in a raspy voice. I mimic her. She comes after me walking steadily and slowly, stalking me. I try to fake her out by changing directions, but she’s on to me and corners me into a room where she becomes a dominatrix. She is poised to beat me, but suddenly I become Leonardo Dicaprio as a male prostitute whose job it is to seduce her. She’s on her back, her legs spread wide, her vagina is hairless and her skin is pale. I run my finger lovingly all around the smooth wet bud. I don’t put it in. Love juice is pouring out of her and she’s held in ecstasy. Dad’s busybodying at CVS like a child with a job.

July 2 (2)

I’m at an outdoor place a woman recently opened where people give performances, show art, drink, eat and socialize. A dark angry man who throws things creates a mural on the wall of a bird that is saying a picture of a fish, as if the fish is flying. He smashes a green bottle against the wall.

July 5 (1) Pittsburgh

I sleep outside on a blanket and have nothing in the world, but I am drinking wine from a wine glass. This kind of life is okay, but I am getting a little tired of it. An older husband and wife come. He picks up my dreams and reads them. From them he has some things to tell me. He says I’m sleeping outside now, but I will have everything.

July 13 Danbury

I’m trying to forget the rules so I can be free.

July 15

I try to practise infant stillness all the time, even in my movements. I do this as I go through the line at the supermarket and then outside in the sunshine. I know this feels like what it means to be enlightened, but it’s still too pure.

July 16

Me and Matt visit the house where mom lives. My Grandmother is there. Mom is making us food. She’s acting like a fruit cake, probably what she was like as a kid before she got so galvanized and calcified. She’s making us food. She’s trying to get us to sing, “Do that to me one more time. Once is never enough from a man like you,” to her, but we just stand there looking at her expressionlessly and unmoving. She’s got thick hair from her belly to her thighs except for a square area that is shaved around her vagina. Across it there are long diagonal grains of long bristly stubble. She also has a little brown penis that looks bad, like one of those little sausages she makes.

July 19 Brooklyn

When Huck Finn and his woman are reunited the first thing they do is eat a huge round table full of food without stopping for a long time. Mark Twain goes into the most careful detail describing each dish. This examination is a celebration of the food. Me and Leonardo DiCaprio are lying in bed. I touch his flaccid penis

July 21 (1) Danbury

Margie is going to drive Maya and I to a new place. She has a few stops to make. We’re in the car with her. She’s wearing really huge, fantastic, colorful flip-flops. David kills Maya because she won’t be with him and he convinces the world it was suicide. I feel powerless, so powerless I can’t even grieve.

July 21

It’s been raining on the basketball court outdoors. The court’s wet. There’s no traction. Everything is a little out of control. The basketball is slick, undersized thing I can’t do anything with. Maya is there and though it’s just play and not a real game she pushes the ball to me and away from somebody else in her awkward girl way. The clouds are so beautiful that I know they are blessing us. I hold her being in my heart.

The scenario where we don’t come together: it’s a few years down the road and she’s an Australian wife wearing pink and blue. She looks sour exactly like Princess Di and has two daughters who look just like her. They all look bitter. She hears that I’ve died and it doesn’t seem to affect her too much.

July 23 (1)

I lay for a long time letting cancer take my body. My whole family is together. There is the acceptance of death that cancer brings. It’s so natural to tense up when you feel it, but it’s so natural to just let it take you. My grandmother’s cancer has improved now that she’s actually seen somebody die of it. She talks to me for a long time about it.

July 23 (2)

There’s a redneck guy whose wife has been gone too long. He’s waiting for her with four objects. There’s a curtain rod with a metal rod that goes inside it. There’s a bow for arrows and a bow for violin. He says that when she gets back he’s going to whoop her in the town square, I guess with the rod.

July 24 (1) Arlington

I am forced to be a frog over and over and over to submit to the imbalance that manifests in cancer. After waiting out the cancer I am crowned and colored circles are all around me. Part of the imbalance had to do with the demystification of poopy.

July 24 (2)

I am walking beside an incarnation of Christ. I am a child. We’re going up Utah Street. Behind us are men who have embraced evil who want to kill us. We go up the hill. Jesus is angry that no one believes him. His true nature isn’t housed in flesh. I am afraid of the men behind us and quickly want to get to my position for the battle. I have a pet name for Jesus like a little kid would have for an elder. It’s “holy” with a “c,” which is “Choly,” the Greek part of speech meaning anger, related to the medieval concept of bile as the source of anger.

I stand in front of the Harman’s house at the top of the street with my hands tied behind my back. I’m supposed to stand there frogging it out while Jesus takes care of everything that is violent. I’m Robert Downey Jr. Two people are killed in front of me. Another Robert Downey Jr., a bad guy, holds the point of a knife between my eye and my nose. His attention gets called away by the necessity of burying the dead guys who are in a cardboard box. I see the top of a house against a background of sea and sky, which looks more than real.

July 25

Huck Finn says this about a very humble boy: “Dey’s dem folks whose humility is so low ya feels embaramissed t’be ‘round ‘em fer all yer hottiness.”

July 27 Richmond

I don’t fight against gravity with tension in my body so I float up. At the end of humanity’s time on earth God reassumes us into the spaceship of his body and we fly ff together.

July 30 Arlington

While I am trying to work out my balance with anxiety and stuff a news flash comes on TV. It’s a film these two, seemingly crazy, older men have shot, made when they were aboard an alien ship. They are pretty into the fact that the conspiracy was true and they’re the ones bringing it to us. It’s in Oklahoma. I met these guys a year ago. A nurse says into my ear that one of them has the hyper movements of someone who wasn’t allowed to say the penis word.

July 31

The two men from the aliens dream ask a row of five girls if they want any alcohol. One raises her hand saying she’s had one glass and she’ll have a bottle more. They laugh crazily at this.

August 3 Cape Cod

God willed the Fall. The snake was full of sorrow that he had to be the one to start it and he cried a big pool of tears. It was all God’s idea.

August 5 (1)

I meet Maya. We experience sexual love with great passion. My parents even approve, but then I suggest we try the way. When a man uses too much logic he doesn’t say anything and when Tena hears anything but praise she gets defensive.

August 5 (2)

I’m in the shower thinking of the “Choly” dream. I think of how it shows how Christ is also subject to being and the Tao. His relation to us is symbolic of that. Ego makes it hard to grasp this. I look into the mirror and see the left half of my face. In the other dream I called Christ a pet name, “Choly,” which is the Greek root for anger, so inherent in me relating to Christ as my bully against evil, as basically every two-bit, self-styled Christian does, is his anger against me. We are like two waves that come together to form a relation in the new wave of our combination. I see that I came here with a certain pattern of being, which, when involved with others’ patterns of being is affected depending on how conscious I am i.e. how little my sense of self depends on others’ projections.

August 11 Arlington

Gary Hurley turns on wrestling. Two wrestlers are embracing at the ropes. When they come apart a midget they’ve been fucking falls out from between them. They’re total drag queens. Their cocks are huge. There are smiling hermaphrodites that the wrestlers spit on the backs of.

August 12

Outside the clouds are beautiful. My mother is telling me that a link between cancer and a primal urge toward infancy has been discovered. The being housed in the flesh in its certain circumstances is choosing to leap into the next life without completing this one by having the same kind of cellular explosion that starts life end life. She’s unimpressed because scientific method hasn’t been used in the discovery. I pipe up about how scientific method isn’t everything and that I’ve reached the same conclusion independently, and I didn’t do it by holding down a meaningless job. She moves away from me, no more able to understand than ever.

August 17 Budapest

Life is condition that is relative to where you are so everyone’s enlightenment is possible.

August 18

There’s a play where the audience is full of Jewish men who are very hyper when they have sex. They all get into a line wriggling like sperm and moving toward a hugs vagina while wail, “Jesus!” They don’t see what’s actually happening on the stage.

August 20

The universe has a vibration that its fractured unity can always return to. Every form owes itself to its parents who left behind the unity of the vibration

August 23

Todd takes care of a half-lion, half-man that lives under the basement of my parents; house. It is finally let out. Its name is Jim Masterson. It goes through nature and is accompanied by its woman spirit who says, “It’s so good to be free!”

August 19 (1)

I'm shaving my legs in the dark before bed and I come to an appendage of my body that's a huge cock that's not mine and it scares me.

August 19 (2)

All these animals that are normally very wild are close to where my family is. My dad nabs a lion in a net which was really brave of him. Harvey takes the lion’s army helmet off. Everyone is excited.

My mom's side of the family and my father's mother walk with me through the mansion of life and at the end we haven't really seen anything because my mother rushed the whole thing to the end so fast and now she's trying to get everyone to line up for photos, or so I tell Jenna and Jess. I turn on the faucet thinking of how it's good I can just leave them behind. I think God probably has something in store just because I am thinking this.

August 20

Everything owes its life to its parents because they left behind the unity of the vibration.

August 22

Beneath the basement of my parents' house Todd has been keeping a half-lion, half man named Jim Masterson for a long time. He and his woman spirit are finally let out and are in nature. The woman says, "It's so good to be free!"

August 24

Jan and Marcia from the Brady Bunch. Marcia watches Jan get really excited trying on different really fantastically pretty dresses. Then she leaves her and looks in the mirror honestly. The image in the mirror moves independently of her body and looks at me. Her hair is black and her dress is blue.

August 25

After getting really angry and telling my mother to fuck off two little kids aggressively come up to me asking me to buy them forties. After a while I give in, but first I start off about the whole story of the mess with my family. All the different characters are introduced. I tilt my head back and go into a storytelling haze. In the story there are two kids like the kids in front of me. One of them can never be serious about anything, who is dressed like a clown. He turns toward the camera when everyone is supposed to be facing it. Another page shows the symbols of a wolf's head over a Christ symbol. From the points I'm presenting I am going to tell the story of the whole book. The language is dramatic, but that's okay. I'm dimly aware that lots of people have gathered to watch me. I trying to remember a dream and I hear Matthew laughing. I say, "If you don't shut-up I'm going to beat the crap out of you," which causes me to lose the memory of the dream.

August 26 (1)

I'm trying to sleep with my friends, two men and a woman, in this room I am in now, but my thoughts keep getting out of control and I feel afraid. Finally I allow myself to be pierced by Christ and am filled with the sweet fire. I open my mouth because I am asked to and Christ makes two tones leap out of my mouth at regular intervals. It is my voice of golden velvet. It's too intense and I manage to roll away, though it allows this. My friends are angry that I so drastically disturbed them in the middle of the night. One of the women says it sounded like Saran and goes to sleep in the bathroom. There's sharp something under me. It's a light glowing through the bedsheet. The man says it's a glass seed of light.

August 26 (2)

Derek comes to me. I am in a room between lessons on a break from teaching. The last lesson was bad. The students must be pissed off. I don't have any kind of lesson plan for the next class. I decide to just leave forever instead of giving the final exams which are coming tomorrow. Derek lies across my legs and resonates his body and says, "I understand Christ is in this," and wonders what he is missing since he has gone to the bottom. I see what he's missing, but I don't know how to discuss it with him. We leave the school and bolt out joyfully, both of us smoking, me a cigarette, him his expensive pipe. He stops to speak with a Japanese woman he says is beautiful. She's learning English. He wants to help her. She misreads a practise sentence as "The sound of my mother peopling the world." She's weeping because of how frustrating our language is. How can Derek's positivism understand this?

August 27

I show Maya my shaved bottom half. She says I look like a woman.

August 28

My family goes on a prescribed trip for a long time. Then at the foot of the hill in front of the Utah street house we see a lot of creatures, all hairless, with the same smooth, flesh-colored skin. The first creature we see is a frog with protective spines coming out of it here and there. Behind us we see a strange, rolling thing with lots of mouths. As we go on we see lots of sea creatures that seem comfortable outside of the sea. A lot of them are wedges of circular flesh that absorb nourishment. The most developed flesh, and the farthest from the house are two seals that lay lovingly with each other in the shade on the cool wet cement away from the hot sun. I tell my friend I think they're seals and he says no, they're bears. They create a child that's human, that science keeps. A scientist who is like Dustin Hoffman, who is devotedly inquisitive, spends a lot of his time studying him. Dustin narrates as we see the bear, man-child in his cell, which is low-ceilinged and bare and has a window that lets in a lot of light. The man moves unknowingly and uncomprehendingly in his cell. Dustin says, "He didn't say anything. I could only imagine what he was thinking. He often seemed distressed and would go to sleep as soon as the sun went down and wouldn't wake up till the sun came up. Will he always have a terrible tendency toward viciousness?" He looks totally normal except for white, fluffy, cottony hair that periodically creeps up on his face and head. Black appears in different places on his body, most notably around his arm causing a bicep to form. His temperature is 118 degrees so he has to stay cool.

September 2

At night an Indian holy man comes down from a mountain to join the world at a caravan that moves across the Sahara at night. I think he's bringing a magic carpet, but he really goes there to die. Dead bodies are dragged along. He lies down in his place, folding his legs.

September 4 (1)

One monk says, "Desire is a boiling pot through which flesh is purified. Another says we cannot destroy the world because of the Tao. The world is a showcase for the Supernatural Being.

September 5 (2)

I'm dressed like Jan the Peacock. I'm backstage. A plain woman with big glasses motions to me to come close and says, "Come closer so I can do your music."

September 4 (3)

I and Maya are sitting beside each other in nature on a bench. There's a rusty fence separating us from our home which is a village that is visible way way off through the green. I put my foot up on the fence because I'm ready to scale it and get going. She grabs me and tells me not to go because the fence is so sharp. She catches her sleeve on the fence and it rips as she does this. In front of us there is a lot of food including a cross section from a purple onion.

A man and his puppy come. Then I see it's actually a tiny fox. He attacks the rind of something that Maya put a rind in. His owner tells him not to, but he won't listen because he's just a pup. His name is Fitzmoth. I imagine him very alive and alert all day and then sleeping soundly in his master's pocket.

September 4

Tom is talking to Maya about a certain monk who she has a book by that she glanced at, but speaks about as if he had done prior reading. He connects this with talking about a double feature of pornography he watched in 1979. He needs to pacify his need to seem intelligent and spiritual in her eyes with the monk reference and he needs to have his porn part accepted by her though his in ability to accept it in himself drives her away though she may be reaching out to him.

September 5

I'm in a new town. It's supposed to be my first day of school, but I don't know how to get there. Everyone is outside watching a huge storm come in. It has lots of twisters coming out of it and it's very close. I ask a man how I should go to school. He says there is no school, school is what he calls a Founder's Program, where you go once every couple of weeks so they can check up on your progress. Mostly underprivileged black people are doing it. This will give me the freedom to pursue my education how I want.

September 6

I have a purple aura. I'm like a boy. I'm with friends by a calm sea at night, but I don't realize they're there because I'm lost in a symphony of thought.

September 10

Everything I will I mess up. My bird woman sets it free. When the kingdom comes one of the four people who will lead it is a man who will lead the church. He's the only one of the four people who is now known.

September 11 (1)

I'm a runner with endless endurance. Me and my two woman friends run up the mountain. We ski down on our feet in the mud, which is really fun. We own the mountain by knowing it.

September 11 (2)

There's going to be a fantastic movie with all kinds of new technology projected onto the sky. In it there are strange dancing men of the future in red suits called Mike and the Mechanics. Since it's going to be cool me and Matt and a girl go off to smoke pot. Lots of potsmoking weirdos are around us. When we get back everyone is gone and there's just one guy who's kind of lame watching it alone on TV.

Dr. King founded a university in 1877 in Maryland that was named after him. Outside of it are jester figures that are destined to come in the future with the Kingdom. A news story is done by a glasses wearing milk toast white guy about King's death. King's death is referred to by the first name of his assassin. He talks to a black woman about how little coverage it gets in the media, like People Magazine, which only has stuff about Woody Allen, photos of John Wayne Bobbit's hacked off penis, of diseased genitals belonging to a man who purposefully contracted STDs because it was erotic, of a man and his five insatiable penises.

September 11 (3)

After a big storm I can see a huge portion of the globe, a city spreading out into mountains stretching to the end of the glowing globe. I call everyone's attention to it, but they can't see it. A big silent young man drives us very fast and aggressively on the highway. I relax and accept it.

September 11 (4)

I'm looking into the mirror. When I pull my hair back tight I can see that I have a layer of synthetic stuff covering my face like a mask. Underneath the mask is the woman. She comes out. She is beautifully made up and making expressions in the mirror. Sometimes she moves independently of me.

September 12

I'm about to get a job in the military. My friend throws an American flag towel on the ground and we go into booths to change. I have big white weather resistant boots.

September 13

A beautiful hippy woman is doing an experiment on some trees by putting some poison into them and seeing what happens. I think this is bad. She ties me to a cart and wheels me through an area pleadingly and emotionally trying to get me to say, "I love you," to her. She seems very soft and her eyes tear up. I give in and she kisses me, which feels nice, but how can I get to Maya through this junk?

September 14

A woman with beautifully colored nails plays the piano.

Maya comes to me with a big sick mouse to hold.

September 16

The clouds blow away and behind them is another set of clouds that are very bubbly and so orange that they’re almost red. A huge circular imprint of the sun with solar flares leaping from it is across the sky. A commentator says, “It’s something Zen always knew was there.”

September 20

Commercial on TV trying to recruit people for the army: “Do you want to give ‘em the big one. We’ve developed enemy seeking weapons to make it possible.” We see a guy fire a weapon, sit down to drink his coffee and then there’s an explosion in the distance. I have an argument with a scientist about how it’s obvious the space program doesn’t have to be an outgrowth of the military.

September 21

Me and Todd are hanging out at the Smithsonian with a Baptist from the 18th century. He made a map of hell that described how the deeper the pleasure, the deeper in hell you were. He wrote it in a bare candlelit room. On the outer rings of hell are enjoyment of friends and aesthetic appreciation of a vase. He takes us into one of the back rooms where they store exhibits as he attempts to tell us why Zsolt getting drunk and throwing up in front of his house is sinful. Todd cuts him off and tells him that it’s possible for us to be atheists and this changes everything completely. Spiritually we are a new creature.

September 23

I’m on the phone with my mom. She says, “It’s me from 25 years ago.” I can tell from the youth in her voice that this is true and I become very emotional. I say, “Mom, oh mom. I love you, mom. It’s going to be hard for us, mom, not financially, but emotionally. I love you, mom.”

September 24

I’m walking through Budapest feeling pretty free. I go into a Gypsy neighborhood. Some one is behind me, but I don’t pay too much attention. There’s smashed up buildings all around. I can feel the force acting more and more strongly on me and remember how I am at a certain place where this tends to happen. I am grabbed from behind and then something that sounds like the Beast begins growling angrily. I have to turn around to face it. It’s me unshaven, wearing a suit jacket. I say, “Please let go. Please let go. Please let go. Please let go.”

September 26

“Saving Private Ryan”: everybody says it’s the greatest movie. It’s kind of hard, but good. Barbara Streisand is in it. I’m Private Ryan and am tortured by an evil man. I still have some will left. The evil man hooks up his machine to the captive in such a way that it goes directly to his pain receptors and he turns on the juice. This sets me free.

September 29

I walk around in black letting myself die before becoming a blue peacock.

September 30

By giving myself up completely I can feel Christ’s love more and more deeply purifying me. People from my family are near me sleeping. I feel nervous because when they wake I am to be so changed. I am not letting it flow which is why I am scared.

October 2

There’s a Dr. Seuss book that costs $7.25 about girls. In it women are singing. It’s a book about women becoming higher spiritual beings, ascending out of the green biological woman stage. Their social position made it so that love and the appreciation of others was more necessary than for men. There’s a picture of a woman with thick glasses singing. This went on while men had to continue to war and conquer. I see a movie. A giant woman is lying on the ground and hundreds of little people come gathering around her. Similarly there’s a truck that’s so huge that everyone thinks it’s fantastic and they all clamor into it to be taken across a bridge. It’s a big public event. I go under the bridge where trains are coming and avoid them. Men are snooping around suspiciously which creeps me out, but I don’t feel threatened. I go upstairs to a lounge area. A guy passes me with champagne and two glasses. There’s a list of events which describe a man and a woman coming together. They are revelations.

October 3

Lotie teaches an art class. She tells me abut how her male models have such a hard time being still and doing what they're told because their maleness resists it.

October 6 (1)

I’m in a shop trying on women’s clothes. I put on a short white, kind of poofy dress, light colored tights and high heels. I’m nervous and a little afraid to look down at myself, but a woman comes and takes my hand and leads me. I move lightly. She brings me to a mirror. I look at myself and I can feel my body and the energy of being resonates through me. This can only be explained by the fact that I was socialized into believing this is embarrassing.

October 6 (2)

I’m walking with women. The three of them line up side by side with spaces between them and this is relation. Tena is one of them. She’s eating berries that are like a combination of bush berries and strawberries—tree of life fruit. I try some. They’re sour. There’s a plant they come from nearby that has had all its fruit taken. I go look for more and discover enormous ones rotting on the vine. I take these and want to throw them in the reservoir, but think better of it.

Preparations have been made for the Kingdom of Heaven to come to earth. My parents’ house is empty. I store my manuscript. I leave an empty room. I have a feeling that the seven foot parent monster of my 1992 dream is still there. I try to go back into the room and the door resists me. I don’t want anything to be I my way. Screaming, I go back into the room to face it and it’s the Beast version of myself. He seems irritated with me. I go into the bathroom and unscrew the soap holder from the wall and clean behind it.

October 6

It’s night and I’m writing outside. Mark David Chapman comes up to ask for something I don’t have. He’s a Native American with long black hair. He moves on to a place where he is to kill John Lennon. He goes up to him waving his gun saying, “You got any money, white boy?” I split because I don’t want to witness what I know is coming. I think of how Chapman went from the village to the town to the city.

October 8

On Weiner Leo Utca a man and a woman are trying to supervise two teenage boys who have behavior problems. The boys get fantastically frustrated. One, the soft passive one named Ivory, has run off and the woman follows after him singing his name. The aggressive one wants to go after him on his bike, but the bike falls under the weight of his frantic energy. I have seen this before. I don’t judge it as I did last time. It’s sad.

October 8

Stories are pain I feel in my womb. The pain is equal to how much I fight God. Through the pain ideas about the harmony of creation force their way out. When the baby is delivered it’s the end of history.

October 9 (1)

I’m a girl and I’m tortured into tears over and over.

October 9 (2)

Maya tucks a white silky scarf into my collar and tells me to bow my head all the way down and look up. I do. She says, “Good.” With the scarf tucked in it gives the illusion that I have short hair, which is what Maya wanted to create. She says I would look cute with my hair cut. I say I want to look cute.

October 10

There’s a performance where a black man surrenders himself to a woman on stage by letting her sit on his belly as he lays prone for a long time. When he gets up he gets a long cheer from the crowd, especially the women.

October 11 (1)

I play a game in which the object is to discover which picture is not like the others. Each group of pictures is of five children. The one sharing no imitation with the others is the true human child.

October 11 (2)

Me, Tena and a boy are moving into a huge, spacious new flat. It’s so nice. The wall on the side folds in so that there’s no wall. I latch this open. Because it’s open an old Hungarian woman wanders in as if she’s lost her way. She’s realizes it’s somebody’s home and backs out the way she came in, but forgot she climbed up a ladder to get in and falls, landing on her feet and sprawls out onto her back. We ask her if she is okay, and she says yes, but the feeling is awful. One of her nice thick leather gloves blows away in the wind in slow motion.

October 12 (1)

I keep trying to show my family how the man needs to die so the peacock can live. I draw a peacock. Pride must die. The peacock comes out when good and evil go away.

October 12 (2)

I watch a documentary about a guy who digs himself a grave that’s shallow. He lays into the grave onto grass. Nice grass and flowers are all around him. He dies. His spirit takes wings and goes up to heaven. Another man added cement to his wooden barn and kept expanding it until it became a mausoleum. It used to be where animals lived, but now it’s where humans are dead.

October 12 (3)

I walk around my parents’ house totally naked. It makes them a little nervous, but I feel okay. I go into the bathroom of my old room and look in the mirror. I look beautiful.

October 13 (1)

Me and a group friends walk along singing a Doors song. We’re a rambling group and this feels really good. I kick a soccer ball forward. I start pumping my arms and float up. Then I let God take me and I’m help in ecstasy.

October 13 (2)

I clean the house I live in really really well getting old scudge off the table and off of my body. I am preparing for something that’s coming. I place the stuff I need neatly into one spot. One of the things is a lipstick, my favorite color. A woman tells me to keep turned down until the time comes to take it out so it won’t get messed up. I’m expecting someone to call on the phone.

October 14

My brothers and I are playing on the terrace of a huge house in Seattle when a huge storm comes. Massive birds are perched on the railing. A man says they’re seahawks. Everyone is battering down the hatches because the storm is so big.

October 15

I’m at an aquarium drawing beautiful fish. Sometimes I’m in the tank with them. There are lots of parents and kids. Everybody is waiting for me, but I like this. There’s so much to see. I think of my family rushing too fast through the Mansion of Life. Sharks wait at the bottom for flat sunfish that have one eye that looks up to float down.

October 21 (1)

Without value I am nothing. Without anything worldly as the basis of exchange, love burns away impurity. The question of whether or not someone deserves something is burned away by love.

October 21 (2)

Matt turns away from a door that said CCCP, but humanity is waiting on the other side.

October 21 (3)

I explain to relatives what Kingdom Come means through mouse, cat, bee and frog, how we have overcome the beast within through the evolution of the spirit. Bestial energy is backwards. It can be realigned to form a playful story.

November 2

I have a vision of Paradise, of all of dancing naked in the sun. Maya is there.

November 4 (1)

I show Jake how to properly cease your identity. You go down a big, empty hall to a computer room. Maybe you’re being watched, but you continue. I type in “monkey” to search for clues. I would search “monkey in drag” but it would yield zero matches.

November 4 (2)

I look at a book of art. The first section is interesting, the second is boring, and the third is fantastic. The colors have rich, deep and bright heavenly tones. It’s highly religious. Horned, colorful demons have their arms respectfully behind their backs. An angel addresses a group of people. Their faces look beaten and awful. Two have lips that are pulled back from their teeth. All their heads are bowed and their penises are flaccid. Their flesh is beautiful colors.

November 5

I learn to accept color.

November 6 (1)

James Brown is visiting me and Todd in my grandmother’s apartment. I wildly turn the dial on the radio and go to greet him. He’s really nice and hugs me. I call him James. I tell him I expected his hair to be bigger. We go into the kitchen to look at the food Todd is making--two salads. I ask him why he plays Cold Sweat so fast. Todd says, “Yeah, there’s no groove.” He looks down and doesn’t respond. Then I really look at him. He’s short, a little pudgy, wearing a jean outfit, balding, white, and middle-aged. I bet he walks down the street in total anonymity. He hugs me a lot. He’s warm and peaceful.

November 6 (2)

There’s a nicely made up woman on a talk show. She speaks with vulnerability and emotion about how alienating the culture of academia is. She had written a book about this. She says just because you can pick up a catalogue doesn’t mean you can overcome the institution. It leaves people empty. The crowd applauds her sentiment. She thanks them. They continue applauding, and then even more loudly. Everyone feels it. It’s warm.

November 7 (1)

I pray and open my heart to Christ and heat fills me.

November 7 (2)

The new church is ruled by someone names “If you” (Ifju). The old church was ruled by a Jew named John the Baptist.

November 7 (3)

I walk past a woman who is lecturing people about Truth, but Truth is more compatible with Silence.

November 9

There are glowing balls of fiery light I throw into dark rooms. They seem scary, but once you get you close they-re called “Imagination.”

November 13

In a restaurant me and Derek discuss myth. He makes it seem like we need both myth and religion as crutches. I say that myth is the one thing that can take the individual out of fear-bound consciousness. Christianity is the Divine myth.

November 15

The more I kiss Sun City the more it ascends.

November 17 (1)

There’s a tiny village in Switzerland built on top of a towering column of rock. Nearby is C. G. Jung’s estate. It’s on a hill and two towers. Outside there’s a graveyard so packed with Jungs that there’s no more space between the headstones. There’s a higher grave where they hanged somebody and left him there, but now his body is gone.

November 17 (2)

Lots of boys play King of the Mountain on a steep hillside. I say, “Do you know why this is stupid?” He says, “Because it’s a game.” God picks me up.

November 17 (3)

The Americans removed the thorns from the plant by stripping them off at the same time, but the Hungarians are working on a plan to remove them carefully, one at a time, so as not to hurt the plant.

November 18

There’s a show I unwillingly watch. A man goes to the mansion of a rich, young Hollywood producer. He forces the producer to drink cleanser and then flushes him down the toilet. I wonder how God allows things like this. The producer’s body reconstitutes from the ground up as though he’s invisible and then filled up with water.

November 24

As he unconsciously falls together with his lover’s body, everything falls into place and he is ready to receive God. This is the only way to approach the unknowable.

November 29 x3

I call everyone’s attention to some serious clouds in the distance. There are two, black, perfectly-shaped clouds with pink-orange rims that are coming closer. Soon they’re in the yard and I run and leap onto them and they carry me. Tom’s father doesn’t want to lose me and he runs after me. There’s a ravine ahead so I get off the cloud, altering it so that an egg comes out, cracks open and fluid comes out. I’m worried that the fluid is noxious.

I have a session with Margie. The lights are brightly shining at me. She says, “It’s all there. It’s just waiting for you.” I ask, “What do you mean?” She says, ‘When your brother asks you to smoke pot, you don’t have to,” which means that everything is different. I want to object, but a cleaning woman comes. Margie suggests I leave the country for Halloween.

A mom spent the year in a hospital. The husband says she’s fine now. At the end she really builds up strength.

December 5

A guy is doing a song and dance routine and encourages me, “Get with it, Cowboy! Load em up!” I say, “Please! Help me Elvis!” and I go into a ball and feel energy.

December 7

I am trying to go to Dr. Tihanyi’s, but end up in the wrong place, in a kind of utility room that is actually a maternity ward. A woman comes. I feel I should explain my presence to her, but she doesn’t seem to mind that I’m here. She hands me a baby so swiftly that I’m worried for it. Then she shows me Siamese twins connected at the side. They are going to be okay. She leaves me. I take off my shoes and soak my legs in a tub, getting my pantlegs wet. I decided that I’m not really ill and ready to leave. I want to go quickly because it’s getting dark. I’m wearing two pairs of socks and it’s getting so dark I can’t another sock. I am in a small panic as I rummage in the darkness trying to find it. There’s a very long snake booty being darned. I accidentally touch other people’s dirty socks. Yuck. I think of how bright the hall light will be to my eyes. I give up because it’s so dark. I panic and feel weird about being there. I hear a handclap that I know is telling me to pay attention. I look out the window and the moon is up and full. What a strange paradise this is with the moon making it so beautiful.

December 9

Two women go to study a tribe and immerse themselves in the culture so much that change their appearance and become dirtier. They eat eggs for weeks.

December 13

Me and dad are at some water and aliens come. There are two identical, barrel-chested male beings wearing white harlequin masks in the water. When they go under the surface of the water they lose their bodies and become the feminine principle. Then one is just a mask, with no body. The other is a mask plus a dark red blanket. This and their music are their warnings to us as men to let them be. A storm is coming.

December 20 x2

I draw the oven that is baking me--making me.

I feel my grandmother’s presence and invite her into my heart, which takes some courage. I say, “I love you, Gramma.” It’s joyful.

December 23

There’s a documentary film about Negroid men in the southwest US who wear beautiful, light-colored, downy headdresses. We follow one to the place his horse has spent the night sleeping on the ground under a blanket. He discovers his horse has been shot. It’s a terrible tragedy. A young redneck official feels like he’s clearing the land of garbage by killing the horses. A boy befriends a horse. I get on the horse bareback and the horse thinks loving thoughts to me. I say I love you to it and the horse thinks it back to me inside my head. We ride and I make it spin. The adults say, “Don’t tire it.” It seems like an after school special. Other kids win other games, but Johnny always owns horseback riding a billion to nothing. One day Johnny is sick, freaking out, going crazy. The adults say, “What’s wrong?” He says, “I’m sick.” and runs away fasted and faster like speeded up film and his dad tackles him at the end.

I live in a basically empty room in a flat with other people. Some men who seem like they could be connected to the flat’s ownership come in. I’m putting away hardcore porn mags that don’t really interest me. One of the men is very fat. He sits near and says that a certain group of girls which included Gibb’s Natalie, Jane and Maya lived in this room. I say, “Helyesek lanyok.” He agrees. A bit critical of my taste in women he says Maya is fat. I say, “Yeah? Okay.” We shake hands. His Hungarian name is Istvan, but they called him Henri or Nehrietta at work. He’s so lost, but I don’t need to feel superior because I’m just as much of a zero as he is.

Selected writings

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